Bye Poop Face
I’ve realized I haven’t told you about my house yet. It is really awesome. Actually, you should all be insanely jealous you don’t live in this house! It is a four bedroom, five bathroom stand alone house with two living rooms, and a detached maid’s quarters. The entire house has white tile, and it is fully furnished. Getting here was nice because we walked in, dropped our two million bags off at the door, and went straight to bed. They even set up a crib for Austin, and put two twin beds in one room for Hunter and Mason. We have three rooms, a laundry storage area (yes, we have a room just for our dirty laundry… I’m just THAT classy), and a living room upstairs. Down stairs we have the kitchen, living room, dining room, guest bedroom, and bathroom. Each bedroom looks like it could be a master bedroom, and they all have attached bathrooms with HUGE bathtubs!
The bathrooms are interesting (a sentence I never thought I’d type). Each of them has a bidet. If you aren’t familiar with a bidet these are great reference videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLlhs-7T7Cw and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLlhs-7T7Cw. You should really take the time to watch those two videos, even if you know what a bidet is… you’re welcome. They also have a sprayer that looks like a shower head next to all the toilets with excellent water pressure (I like to refer to it as the poop sprayer, and it is a genus invention). Of course when the boys saw the bidet they weren’t sure what to do with it. Hunter thought it was a urinal and Mason used it to both poop in and then wash his hands in. Sadly, my neighbor was the one to discover the poopy bidet, and to further my embarrassment cleaned it for us. Thanks Mason!
I am slowly getting to know our neighbors. Socially this has been an interesting adjustment. The Americans here aren’t military (expect one other family), and they tend to have a different sense of humor here. Sadly for me, I don’t think my blowjob jokes are going to have the same affect as they used to. We are all family and friends here, so there is no hiding my love of crude and off colored jokes. Well, I have already made one bad impression because of this. Oooppppsssssss! I was walking around with the boys and I ran into a neighbor. We were having a typical introduction type of conversation when her husband walked up and said, “Hi, are you the new neighbor?”. What I should have said was, “Yes I am kind sir. My name is Shannon. How are you doing this fine afternoon”, and then curtsied before I walked away. Of course, that is not what I did. I said, “No, I just stumbled in here and stole a couple of kids”. Cricket Cricket… shit! The conversation ended shortly after that. My sarcasm was clearly not appreciated. I found out later that day, the woman I was talking to was the equivalent to a PTA leader at the local preschool. My bad. If we were in the United States I’d probably be arrested by now. I guess kidnapping kids is a little aggressive for a feeler joke.
I wish I could say that I was the only one in my family who offended neighbors, but we all know Mason is my baby, and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree (even at 2.5 years old). Our neighbor was kind enough to come over and check up on the kids and me while Bookie was at work. He and his wife are our social sponsors which means they help us adjust to being here. They are wonderful people, and have been so helpful. He came by to make sure the kids and I had enough food (because I don’t have a car) and that we didn’t need anything. As he was leaving Mason yelled, “OKAY BYE POOP FACE”. He did not find it funny. His facial expression was one of disgust and appall. This happens to be the same neighbor who cleaned Mason’s poop from the bidet. I’m sure Mason is his new favorite kid on the block. I need to get used to being around diplomats, and people who need to appear to have their shit together (I say appear because we all know nobody really has all their shit together. In my case, my shit is smeared across the globe like monkey poo). Manners and etiquette are a big deal in this community. It does make me miss being around military families. They are the perfect balance between civilized and bat-shit crazy!
Right now we are in the process of hiring a nanny. All the families have one here, and I want one too (said in the brattiest tone I could muster). The nannies here not only take care of the kiddies, but they clean, cook, do laundry, and iron. The woman I am talking to wants to be a full time, live-in nanny for 200BD (Bahraini Dinar) a month. That would be $530 a month for someone to take care of all my responsibilities. We wont be using her full-time because I love my kids and think they are kind of cool to be around, but it is nice to know I can ditch them when they are being assholes.
Thank you for all the responses! I feel so loved knowing you are taking time to read this. I like to tell myself it is because you all love me so much, but we all know it is because you love my kids. The boys are adjusting well so far. They seem to really like their new home, and Hunter loves playing with the neighbor kids. I can’t believe how well they are adjusting. Let’s just hope they stay well behaved… BYE POOP FACES